the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
clicking my mouse too fast has cost me - big time.
the fallen saint left at 1:05 am
i think i might have to stay away from unfamiliar girls for a while.
the fallen saint left at 4:51 pm
i hate the weather in singapore.
the fallen saint left at 10:37 pm
when the weather couldn't possibly get any hotter, the bus i boarded on my way to school either had its air conditioner spoilt or the driver clearly was heat-insensitive. it didn't help that the bus journey lasted about 40 minutes.
the fallen saint left at 12:39 am
i was going to write my next move here, but the times of impulsiveness resurfaced and i decided that it would probably be wiser to just wait and see for the time being...
the fallen saint left at 3:07 pm
the fallen saint left at 5:26 pm
i want to be so damn good that you only need to stand to shake my hand.
the fallen saint left at 10:29 pm this post may be a bit disturbing, so skip it if you're easily shaken.
the fallen saint left at 1:28 am
i had the weirdest dream while sleeping this morning.
the fallen saint left at 11:40 am
one of the banes of being half-decent at pool is that every other person who doesn't play it always ask what the difference is between billiards and pool.
the fallen saint left at 10:24 am
i decided to take it upon myself to get the oakley sunglasses i mentioned a couple of posts ago. and thank you charmaine peck for taking the trouble to help me order it in the midst of studying for your midterm papers. you are always a darling (:
the fallen saint left at 1:16 am it's nice to know that, despite all the cynicism and superficiality in the world today, i can sit around a conversation which doesn't involve me, without feeling out of place or thinking i would be happier someplace else.
the fallen saint left at 12:03 am
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
OUCH
last night i was trying to copy photos (needed for creating my hall's yearbook) from my macbook into my seagate hard drive, but instead of doing an individual copy-and-paste for the subfolders, i brilliantly dragged the entire folder from my macbook into the relevant designation in my seagate. now you might think that's normal, but the thing is, there is stuff in my seagate under the same folder name which aren't in my macbook, which basically means i now only have what is in my macbook. all the rest of the data that were supposed to be backed up in my seagate are gone.oh the cruel irony of it, losing my backed up files while backing up my files.when i called up one of the local companies to enquire on the fees they charged for performing data recovery, i nearly baulked when the operator quoted me "$500 onwards". i would really think twice on spending that kind of money on myself, and i genuinely think i'd rather get screwed ten times over by my hall president, and then some, than create such a huge cavity in my bank account.thanks to loi's introduction of watson to me, i now have the product key for one of the data recovery programs. watson, wherever you are, i really really appreciate your generosity, especially when you don't even know who i am. but the process of scanning my hard drive is incredibly slow. it doesn't help that my seagate has a hefty 500gb capacity. it's been an entire day and so far it's only covered about 24gb. istats pro (my dashboard widget) has been displaying CPU temperatures of no less than 85 degrees since i started the scan, and the fan exhaust has been above 6000rpm. i fear my macbook may give up on me.after some debating with myself, i decided to purchase a software application online which cost me fifty-plus bucks in local currency - a tenth of what i was quoted on the phone by the company. i suppose this is an amount that i'm willing to lose, in the event that the program can't recover my lost photos.but seriously, OUCH. my facebook now says "Alex got pwned by a mouseclick."rightly so.
Monday, May 26, 2008
this is madness
Friday, May 23, 2008
hate the heat
go out in the evening to shop, sweat.walk from one shopping mall to another, sweat.wait for bus at bus stop, sweat.sweat like fuck. if i had the money i would emigrate to a temperate country just because of the weather, i swear.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
a bad day
when i alighted at the terminal, i discovered there was a torn opening in my bag. apparently the material split apart close to where the shoulder sling was attached. what wretchedness, aye? i'm never paying for anything made of vinyl. it's only going to be genuine leather for me. thankfully the bag came free, but then again, that probably explains what happened too.looks like there's going to be another item added to my shopping list this summer. oh the money i will be spending.. ):
Sunday, May 18, 2008
patience
Saturday, May 17, 2008
loose lips sink ships
i don't want to like you because i don't know you, and i don't know what's normal and what isn't with you. i don't know anyone whom i can ask about you without appearing overly suspicious, either. where were the options that i always had in arriving at a solution?i do dote on you, but i'm old enough to want to be sensible about all of this and not move forward without first weighing the pros and cons of doing so. i'm not that stupid adolescent with an eye for the next pretty target anymore, and age demands that i act with some maturity.there seems an inevitability that i end up being attracted to abnormal girls with warped standards of behaviour and morality. it's now such a common occurrence for me that i don't assume anything about the intentions of their behaviour anymore. i don't want to guess whether they are interested through their actions or inactions. and thanks to all these people i've come across already, i don't dare commit myself anymore.the people who know you, i either don't know or can't trust to keep a secret. the people who know me, don't lead the type of life that i do, and therefore i don't have high hopes of them being able to understand what i go through because they'd probably be frowning on how this all came about in the first place.it's a lonely world out there sometimes.
Friday, May 09, 2008
progress
absence
it was a little difficult getting to sleep for the past few nights that i spent in hall. it makes no sense that i should even think this way, but i felt like someone should have been beside me while i slept, that someone should have been sleeping beside me, or with me.i want to make it clear that there is no sexual connotation to this feeling. it's just that sense of emptiness which seemed to emanate from within and manifest itself. but when i think about it, i can't identify anyone whom i feel should be in that position, which makes it all the more queer.i would rather humble myself and call it loneliness, but this resolution is far from convincing. somehow, something isn't right. i just don't know what.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
strange things
i owned a hayabusa, and i rode it with a friend to a party which was at the top of a multi-storey carpark (talk about living a punk's life). when i had enough of the party and wanted to leave, i couldn't find where my bike was. worse still, the ramp leading up to the top level had a steep vertical drop which i didn't remember being there when i first came.so i searched on for hours with my friend (at this time i can't remember who she is anymore) and managed to find it eventually, and so we tried to ride down to the ground level but were again stumped by the vertical drop of the ramp. i spoke to nearby people and they said there was a much narrower one at the corner which i could take. for some odd reason i decided to drop down and take a look, after which when i got back my bike was gone again.so the search continued, and it was probably approaching dawn when i found a note on a yellow slip of paper telling me if i wanted to collect my bike, i'd have to meet audrey at 6 in the morning sharp. audrey, incidentally, happened to actually be a friend of mine.talk about weird dreams. i guess i'll never own a bike.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
argh
it's all fine and dandy if i only get asked this question once in a blue moon, but when it starts coming even from my mom it really dislodges me from my generally pleasant disposition. this, after she knew i started playing the game regularly since six years ago. i told her flatly not to ask me that question; i didn't care to answer if she only took notice after more than half a decade.as far as i'm concerned, this question is an overused and immensely cliched conversation starter used on a person who declares his fond interest in cue sports. it really puts me off as much as the repetitive question of "are we there yet", but in this context it's worse because it's not a yes/no answer, and i'm sick of explaining at length how the two are different.check the net.
Friday, May 02, 2008
pampering self
and it just dawned on me that my entire gst rebate entitlement has gone into paying for the sunglasses. haha. should i even be thanking the government though? nah. pay and pay..-.-
warm
i'm really glad to know every one of you (: